November 14, 2011 was the most devastating and heartbreaking day of my life. That day my baby boy died. I was 8.5 months pregnant when he was born still. My world fell apart. My heart broke in a million pieces. That day and the days that followed were among the darkest days of my life. They were heartbreaking, challenging, and hard to get through. They were full of tears, emptiness, anger, and grief. Yet, it was the first time I was truly living my heart. I was no longer looking to others on how to feel or what to do. I was authentically acknowledging how I felt and what I needed to do about it.
Ultimately, it was the grief, the anger, the emptiness, and the tears that brought me peace. The more I acknowledged the hurt, the more I allowed myself to feel it, the more I was led to peace. This action over time resulted in more peace of heart, love, and compassion in my life than I thought possible.
This was the call to rise up that my baby boy invited me to. Rise up and be authentic, raw, and real. Rise up and allow myself to feel my emotions, no matter what they were, without judgment. Rise up and allow my emotions to guide me to open my heart to more love. Rise up and stop living for others and begin experiencing life from within.
This call came in disguise of a tragedy. My baby boy died to send me a wake-up call. He saw how lost and disconnected from my true self I was, constantly in and out of depression, anxiety and burnout. He saw the love I had to offer the world but wasn’t . He saw my potential and the potential life had for me.
Healing the loss of my baby boy taught me to listen to my heart. It gave me the courage to follow my heart’s inner wisdom and guidance without judgment. While I am still a work in progress, I can honestly say that I am living my truth more than ever. I feel more at peace than I ever have. I am more me than I ever have been. I am more authentic, loving and compassionate. My life is full of more love than I ever thought possible.
I am forever grateful for listening to my baby boy’s call to rise up. Forever grateful for the love he has given me and opened my heart to. Love will always be our connection. Love is all he knew. Love will forever be how I choose to remember him.